Love, abuse, and my future.
Growing up in the LDS faith as a young woman, I was taught to find and marry a return missionary. That was always the goal. I chose not to go on a mission, simply because everything hit the fan after high school, and I felt like that wasn’t my next step in life.
My mom lived in South Jordan, Utah in a community called Daybreak with her husband Roice. They lived a few streets down from a guy who was a return missionary, that my mom introduced me to. I was so excited because maybe just maybe I found my future husband. I was going to pursue him, and see what happened.
I am going to call him “J” and blur out his face in consideration of his privacy. Around August 5th, 2015 J and I went on our first date. J picked me up in his Honda Accord, and we took a drive up the canyon. Everything was so easy with him.. conversation just flowed. We laughed, talked, and got to know each other a little better. I remember we were driving for at least 3 hours that night, I didn’t want the night to end. He dropped me back off at my moms house, and our date ended. We were texting non stop, always trying to meet up and hangout. Safe to say I was smitten after our first date!
On August 14th, 2015 I went to the equestrian park in South Jordan to visit J at a snow cone booth he was running. The fair was going on and he invited me to come see him. When he saw me, he had the biggest smile on his face and gave me a huge hug! We decided to take our first ever picture together, which felt like a big step. I stayed for maybe an hour that evening, then went home.
Not long after that I started going over to his house quite often. He lived with his parents, which didn’t bother me because I did too. At this time he was 20 almost 21, and I was 18 almost 19. I started to develop a strong relationship with his family. His parents had adopted all of their children since his mom was unable to have kids. All together he had 3 sisters, one brother, mom, dad, a dog, and a cat. I remember their home always feeling so welcoming, and whole. Which was the complete opposite of my two homes I was bouncing in between. Don’t get me wrong.. both of my parents homes did feel whole in a sense. But seeing J’s family and how they interacted as a family unit, made me happy and warm inside.
J continued to take me on cute dates for the first month or so of our relationship. Almost instantly after we met, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Going on dates with J was so fun and carefree. We would go hiking, to dinner, and take lots of car rides. I would bring him to family dinners and events. But most of the time we would just hangout one on one.
Everything progressed very fast. Before I knew it J was leaving love notes on my car windshield, calling me every night, constantly texting me, and always wanting to see me. I turned a blind eye and thought this was what love was. All of our friends and family knew that we were serious less than a month into our relationship, and they were all so happy about it. J and I were posting about our relationship consistently on social media, so it didn’t take long for the word to get out.
We started going to church together every Sunday, had Sunday dinner with his family, had mini photoshoots, told each other every second “I love you”, ya know.. all the mushy couple stuff. We both thought that this was really it, we would be married someday soon in the future.
At this time I had a job at Larry H. Miller Ford car dealership. I worked in the back office on a computer. My moms husband Roice got me the job, which I was thankful for. But, I hated being cooped up in the back all day long. My job was to call and follow up with customers who showed interest in buying a car from the dealership. I knew this would be a temporary job, so I put my head down and did my work.
On multiple occasions J would show up at my work with food, or a snack. One evening when I got off of work, I walked out to my car and J had used a big car window marker and wrote sweet messages on my windows. I thought that was so kind of him to be thinking of me like that.
On my 19th birthday in September, his mom baked me a massive cupcake and his entire family made me feel so special. His siblings started to call me their sister, and his parents started to call me their daughter. It was all such a whirlwind, and that became my new normal.
I spent the rest of my birthday at my mom and Roice’s house, we had dinner, cake, and enjoyed each others company. J was there and showed me so much love. My mom and I were on okay terms, and I was thankful that she did something for me on my special day.
I went out to dinner with my dad and Mat without J for my birthday. We went to Teepanyaki which is a Japanese grill style restaurant. I loved this place, and it was nice to spend time together just us three. My dad and Mat gifted me with two tickets to the David Archuleta concert down in St. George, Utah at Tuacahn Amphitheater! I was so excited to tell J that we were going to take a road trip to see my celebrity crush!
We took our road trip on November 8th, 2015 down to St. George. This was our first road trip together. J wanted to find a motel to stay in for the night after we attended the concert. I was searching frantically for a cheap motel room that wouldn’t cost more than $100 a night. We finally found a motel that was $60 a night. You can only imagine the kind of room we got. It smelt awful, there we ants all over the floor and on the bathroom counter. The beds were so uncomfortable, the shower barely worked, I was grossed out. But this was all we could afford at the time, and it was only one night.
We attended the concert, I was singing at the top of my lungs, which I knew embarrassed J to no end. I didn’t care because I was having the time of my life seeing David Archuleta live, and everyone around us was as hyped as I was. After the concert, my voice was gone, but I had a massive smile on my face! Successful concert with the love of my life.. check!
One day a few months after we had been dating, J got a new car. Of course he had to get a Subaru that was loud as all hell. If you were a guy in the Salt Lake Valley, and didn’t own a Subaru.. you were looked at as “"not cool”. I think J did have an interest in cars, but also wanted to fit in with the Subaru community. I wasn’t a fan of the loud car scene at all, but I wanted to make him happy and I did that by just accepting things as they were and going with it.
Almost every week there would be a car meet somewhere off of Main Street in Salt Lake. That quickly became our weekly “date night”. J would pick me up at either my mom or dads house, we would drive to the car meet, he would leave his car on, blast the heater since it was winter, and tell me to stay in the car while he socialized with his friends. The first few times we did this I was completely okay with it since I had anxiety about meeting new people, and because I got cold very easily. Nine times out of ten the car meets were in a gas station parking lot, I never knew this was a thing. Grown men wanting to show off their car to other grown men, it was a weird concept to me.
After the first few times sitting in the car and not socializing with anyone for sometimes 3 hours at a time, it started to get really boring and lonely. I did express to J that I was getting bored of coming to car meets with him and that maybe he should be going on his own. His response to that was "Well, I like it when you come with me. You make me feel safe, and I like showing you off to my friends. I love you, so please don’t stop coming with me". Of course I couldn’t stop going with him after he would respond like that. I didn’t want to upset him, and wanted him to be happy. I put myself aside, in hopes for a bright future with him as my husband someday.
J asked me to delete my Snapchat a month after we had been dating. He didn’t trust me, when I did nothing to break his trust. I figured by me deleting the app it would strengthen our relationship. Deleting the app wasn’t good enough, he took my phone from me and completely deleted my entire account. He was okay with me having Facebook and Instagram, but didn’t like it when I was on my phone while with him. So I had to wait until we weren’t together to check any social media or text anyone back.
The more time I spent with J and his family at their house, the more I wanted to stay. The whole family unit was something I was really missing in my life since my parents divorce. So naturally I was drawn to a full functioning family space. I started to block out all of my friends. Whenever one of my friends from high school would reach out and want to hangout with me, I would tell them I was busy.. maybe another day. Another day never came, I kept making excuses to be with J and him only.
We did go on one double date with my friends Makayla and Cody, we hiked to the top of Ensign Peak which overlooked downtown Salt Lake City. That was a nice break from everyday life with J, I was finally with a few of my friends who were cool hanging out with us both. J and I were so in love, we told each other multiple times that we couldn’t imagine life without one another. I truly thought I had found my soulmate.
I didn’t last more than 3 months at the car dealership. I started to feel uncomfortable and felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was not a fan of seeing Roice everyday either. I had to quit, and start in a new direction of life.
One day I decided to go check out a cosmetology school in West Jordan, Utah. I asked my mom to come with me to tour the facilities. I was skeptical if this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out! My Aunt Neener was a hairstylist her entire life. She had opened her own salon before I was born, and really built herself a successful business! She gave me my first haircut as a baby, and I remember always going to visit her while she was working.
I felt happy in a salon environment, and was constantly asking questions to her or whoever was doing my hair growing up. I was genuinely curious about what the stylist was using, what they planned to do, why they chose to do that, watch the process, and of course see the final result. Usually when the average person gets their hair done, they don’t care, talk about other topics, or on their phone. I knew I was different once I started asking questions.
After my mom and I toured the entire campus, I decided yes.. this is what I wanted to try and pursue. We signed up for financial aid, filled out all the necessary paperwork, and I was on my way!
I went to the doctor a few days prior to my first day of school. My wrist was really hurting, and I didn’t know why. My mom took me to get a few X-rays, and we found out I had carpal tunnel in my left wrist. It was significantly smaller than my right wrist, so they suggested we put it in a hard cast for a few weeks to see if no movement would help. All I could think of was.. “man oh man, I’m starting hair school in just a few days and I’m going to walk into that classroom with a cast on my arm. How am I going to do this?” My mom knew why my wrist was hurting, I was staying with her at the time at her new house in West Jordan, Utah and I’d constantly be on my phone. Safe to say, I got carpel tunnel from texting too much.
My first day of hair school was November 16th, 2015. I was ready to conquer the hair world, with a bright pink cast on my arm!
On my first day of school, I walked into the classroom and saw a familiar face! My friend Rian from high school was in my starting class! We didn’t talk that much in high school, she was a cheerleader, and we only had one class together senior year. My anxiety quickly went down to a comfortable level, simply because there was a familiar face. I chose to sit by her, and we had the best time together.
The first month or so of school was book work, mixed with mannequin practice. Which was challenging since I am left handed when it came to writing, but ambidextrous when it came to other things like using a curling iron or blowdryer. I got good at writing with a cast on.
I really lucked out in the instructor department. Alex was our first teacher who literally put her all into teaching us the basics of hair. We always had so much fun, lots of laughs, and amazing education. My class was one of the biggest in the entire school, there were 13 of us. Usually in a starting class there are 5 to 8 students. I was really interested to see how many of us were going to be left standing by the time graduation rolled around.
In cosmetology school you have to get a certain amount of hours in order to graduate and take your tests. Every state is different with how many hours you need to rack up, in Utah you need 1,500 hours to graduate. If you missed a day or two those hours would obviously not count and you’d have to make them up. School was held Tuesday-Saturday 8 hour days. I was in the day class and then the night class would come in as we were leaving.
I realized I needed a job while I was going to school, so I applied at Sally Beauty Supply. I would go to a full 8 hour day of school which started at 8:00am and then drive straight to work where I would be until 9:00pm usually. I didn’t have much of a life at this time, and I was fine with that because I knew the result would be so worth it.
After a few weeks of doing book work and practicing on mannequins, I got my bright pink cast off! The cast did absolutely nothing which made me very upset. I was told to just keep exercising and using it as much as I could. If I could strengthen my wrist, everything would be manageable.
One day my dad made some lemon bars from a recipe he was trying out. He had leftovers and asked me to take them to school to share. I set them in our break room and put a little note on them to let my fellow students know anyone could take one to enjoy! That same day I had two girls come up to me and ask if they could buy more from my dad. That was a surprise to me, but I texted my dad and asked him. He said “of course! I can make that happen.”
So after a few weeks of the word getting around, and more people ordering lemon bars, my dad decided to start expanding his options with his top secret chocolate chip cookies and brownies. Obviously those we also a big hit! With all of the orders coming from the students at my school, my dad and I sat down and decided to make this into a business! We gave it the name ‘Sugar Daddy’s Treats’ which was very fitting. The name stuck, we made an Instagram and Facebook page and started to sell treats to everyone who was interested!
I was in charge of all the social media pages, and making sure we had solid content to post. My dad eventually made an official website, and business cards. We had started a successful treats company, thanks to the students of my hair school!
After 2 months of being cooped up in a classroom we were finally allowed to be on the floor and practice our skills on real life people! THIS is what I was waiting for. I’m such a hands on learner and was excited to actually start using my hands to educate myself. I had tons of friends and family come in to get their hair done for a very discounted price or for free. My school also offered a barbering portion which I accepted right away. I saw dollar signs once I realized I could be educated in both men’s and women’s hair. School continued on, I started to become very good friends with most girls in the school and my instructors.
My mom, dad and grandma house will always be my favorite clients. They have supported me since the very beginning. My mom sat in my chair at school for hours on end, letting me do practically anything I wanted to her hair. Most of the time her hair turned out how I wanted it to, but other times I definitely made a few mistakes, and learned how to improve my skills. I will always be thankful for her patience, and support!
My dad was my first ever men’s cut model. He had so much confidence in me, and kept cheering me on no matter how many times I messed up or succeeded. He was the best model when it was time to take pictures outside in front of the building. Thank you dad for your unconditional love and support!
My grandma house came in I think only one time to get her eyebrows waxed. That was a moment I’ll always remember. She was so patient, and had all the confidence in the world that I was going to succeed. Her eyebrows turned out flawlessly, and she looked beautiful like she always does! Thank you grandma for always supporting me no matter what.
Whenever I would get a client, I would have to call over my instructor and she would listen to the consultation. After the consultation we would come up with a game plan, to make this client feel and look beautiful. I would start the service, and if I needed any help I’d just call my instructor over. After I was finished with my client, the floor instructor would have to come check my work, and sign it off for check out.
I couldn’t be more grateful for the endless help, and guidance my instructors gave me daily. Six women really stand out to me when I think of hair school now. JoDeeAnn, Jami, Michelle, Brindi, Alex, and Dee. Those women were complete badasses when it came to hair and teaching. I knew I could count on them for anything hair related or not. They gave me so much support, love, and education. I’ll forever be grateful because they made me into the hairstylist and person I am today. I also want to give a shoutout to all of my friends I made in hair school, thank you for chugging along everyday with me. You all know who you are and made school so much more bearable!
Thanksgiving time rolled around quickly. My dad, Mat, Parker, Ashby, Parker’s girlfriend Lexi, J, and I all traveled down to Cedar City, Utah to spend Thanksgiving with my dad’s side of the family. This was the first time I’d ever invited a significant other to Thanksgiving dinner. I was really excited to introduce him to everyone!
We stayed at my Aunt Paula’s house for the weekend. J and I slept on a massive Love Sac in the same room as my brother Ashby. I can’t remember clearly if we ever slept in a bed, or if i slept in a bed alone. That’s really blurry to me, and frankly doesn’t even matter. Anyways, it was so fun to have all of us together as a family.
We always take family pictures whenever every family member is in Cedar together. I believe this was the first time Mat came to Cedar for Thanksgiving as well. The fact that we took a family picture that included J was huge for me. He was going to be apart of a picture that would last forever. We all dressed in flannels that year, which quite honestly made me feel like a boy. There wasn’t a way I could dress up my outfit without sticking out like a sore thumb.
Thanksgiving dinner was amazing! We all sat together, and I got a little glimpse of what J and I’s future was going to look like. All of my extended family seemed to really like J, I didn’t hear one complaint about him the entire trip. After the weekend was over, we all drove home. If I remember right J wanted to take his own car down, so it was just the two of us 3 hours down and 3 hours back. I felt so lucky to have a man by my side who truly loved me.
About 3 months into school, almost everyday I would hear J’s loud ass Subaru in the parking lot. He would drive to my school, park by my car, and sit there until I was done with my day. After school I got into my car, he would follow me to work, give me a kiss, and I’d go into work. I thought that was very sweet considering we didn’t see much of each other since I was so busy.
But it kept happening daily, my fellow students and instructors started to take notice. They would ask me why he was always in the parking lot, if he had a job, and what the purpose was of him showing up daily. J did have a job at the time working for a realtor, which I thought he was pretty busy with. I was just as confused as the rest of my friends at school. I would text him and ask him to leave the more it kept happening, the embarrassment was so real. He would always tell me, “I want to take you to lunch” or “I just want to make sure you’re doing okay, on my break.” I started to think “Man, this dudes break is for 8 hours??” Let’s just say it got old really really fast.
I did a lot of experimenting with my hair in school. It was hard to see all of the fun colors and cuts clients were getting, and having the self control to not get something done to my hair. One day I decided to chop my hair to my chin, which was just a few more inches off of my hair. After we chopped it, I was to excited to show J my new haircut! I walked into his house later that evening, and when he saw me his jaw dropped. He asked me why I cut my hair so short, and that it didn’t look that good. My self confidence took a deep dive, but there was nothing I could do about it now.
When Christmas time rolled around I wasn’t in a good communication place with my family. I decided to stay at J’s house for a few weeks. I would sleep in his room on a small couch, while he slept in his bed.
J took me downtown to Temple Square for a date night. It’s tradition if you live in Salt Lake to go see the temple lights every Christmas. We walked around, holding hands, freezing our butts off, but enjoyed every moment. J told me as we were looking at the temple “we will go inside someday, together.” That made me unbelievably happy to hear! That was my dream, to marry a man of God, enter into the holy temple, and be sealed to him and my future children for time and all eternity. I was so giddy inside, and fell more in love with J and the idea of being married someday.
On Christmas morning of 2015, we woke up and spent the day with his family. I decided to go to my dads house later that night, since I figured I should be with my family too. J wanted to come with because he couldn’t handle being separated. I remember my dad pointing out to me on multiple occasions that I was completely disconnected from my family, and he didn’t think I was headed in the right direction. I fought with him about my situation many times, because I thought what I was doing was the right thing to do.
I continued to stay at J’s house for another few weeks after Christmas. I wasn’t talking to my friends or family at this time, instead I was fully invested in my relationship, and talking to his friends and family.
Seven months into our relationship J’s mom sat us down at their kitchen table. She had something serious to talk to both of us about. Next thing I knew there was a wedding planner book right in front of us. His mom said this was the next step, and she would be more than happy to have me be apart of the family. In this moment I was terrified. Yes, J and I had been talking about marriage but this was way too soon for me. I tried to express that to him in private after the conversation with his mom, but he made the entire idea of marriage sound even better with his words.
Between going to school and work 6 days a week, J would always find time for us to go visit different temples around the valley, look at engagement rings at the mall, and talk wedding plans. I didn’t tell my parents what was going on as far as that went. I knew how they were going to feel, and what they’d say. I kept it quiet until I was really sure this was happening.
I ended up missing multiple days of school because J wanted to spend time with me. He was my main priority at the time, everything was put on the back burner. Part of me felt really guilty for skipping school, but I knew I could make the days up eventually.
One morning J asked me to call a few temples and ask if they had any appointment openings for a sealing ceremony for the end of 2016, since I’d be done with school and have my license. Even though my gut was telling me not to, I didn’t want to make him upset. I called 5 temples that day, and finally got a date set for December of 2016. J was overjoyed with that news and went into overdrive wedding planning.
A week after the date was set, I expressed to J that I wasn’t ready to be married. He asked me to go down to his room with him so we could talk about it.
Our conversation started out very civil, but I could tell he was getting a little aggravated. I tried to use a calm voice so the situation wouldn’t escalate. My calm voice did not help, J was so upset that our marriage wouldn’t be happening anymore. He stood up, grabbed my arms, pushed me against the wall, and started to yell at me with tears in his eyes. I had never been more terrified in my life, this man that I loved had me pinned against a wall, gripping my arms so tight that I could feel myself starting to bruise. I couldn’t stop crying, I tried to defend myself by yelling back, and telling him to get his hands off of me. Eventually his parents heard us downstairs, and his mom walked in. He dropped me to the floor, and then he started yelling at his mom. I crawled towards the door, and stood up. Next thing I knew J’s fist was coming straight for my face, I moved quickly, and his fist slammed into the wall. His mom was standing right there the entire time, trying to tell J to calm down. As he was still yelling, his mom took me upstairs to let me breathe.
I couldn’t stop crying, and told her I needed to go home. She understood, but told me that J has had temper issues his entire life, and this wouldn’t be an all the time kind of thing. I listened but saw it as excuses. As I was on the couch upstairs trying to collect myself, J stormed up the stairs, went outside, started his loud ass car, and drove away. I took this opportunity to go to his room and pack my things. I left J’s house for the last time that day, I didn’t know where we stood, or what was going to happen in the future. But what I did know is that I needed my family, and their love.
I drove home with tears in my eyes, but quickly pulled myself together before I got home. I didn’t want anyone to think differently about J simply because I could still see a life with him. In my mind this was just a hiccup in our relationship. My dad and Mat were so happy to see me come back home, I was also overjoyed to be back with them.
Once I was back home, I got back on my schedule with school and work. I had to focus, and make up the days that I had missed. I didn’t want to be in school forever, and tried to block out all distractions. J kept blowing up my phone daily for a few weeks, he would show up at my school begging me to talk to him. I told my instructors that I didn’t want anything to do with him, which he knew as well. This man was not giving up. I would stay after hours at school sometimes when I didn’t have work, just to feel safe. If I did have work, one of my instructors would walk me out to my car. The fear and love I had for J confused the living hell out of me.
On one of my days off, J contacted me and asked if we could talk. My dad and Mat weren’t home, but I invited him over anyways. When J entered my house with flowers in hand, I had the biggest pit and butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t know how to think or feel about him. I got him a soda from the garage, and we started to talk in the living room. He expressed that he wanted to be with me forever, and that his little tantrum would never happen again. I told him I was scared of what he could possibly do next when his temper is lost. I didn’t want to get married this quick, I told him my parents didn’t even know what was going on behind the scenes. He got upset that I didn’t tell my parents about the wedding planner book, ring shopping, calling temples, etc. His voice started to get louder, and he had a furious look in his eyes.
In the middle of our conversation J asked me for another soda, I pointed out he already had one that wasn’t gone. My dad bought those drinks for us, and I didn’t want them wasted. He ignored me and went into the garage to grab another one anyways. I saw this as an opportunity to get away from him, because no matter what I did or said I’d just be put to the side. I jumped up from the couch and locked the flood door deadbolt and handle that connected our house to the garage. J was now locked in my garage, and I could escape.
I ran out the front door and down the street. Next thing I knew J was chasing me with fury in his eyes. I started to yell at him, “stop chasing me! Don’t come near me or I will call the cops!” he wasn’t stopping, so that meant I couldn’t stop. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and called my dad hysterically crying, and out of breath. I think J thought I was on the phone with the cops, he immediately turned around and ran to his car. Next thing I knew he was gone. My dad asked what was going on, and I told him everything. He told me to go back into our house, lock the doors, and wait for him to come home. I ran back to my house, and saw the flood door swung wide open. J had kicked in the door, which completely busted the door frame. I was in shock that he was that strong to kick in a very heavy door, and destroy the frame. I knew my dad was going to be so upset with me, and realized that probably wasn’t the best idea to lock the door in the first place. But at the same time, that was my only defense mechanism since I knew I couldn’t handle him physically.
When my dad got home, he didn’t know what to think. I believe he was very mad and upset, but not with me. I expressed to him that I was in fight or flight mode and that was the only idea I could come up with to get him to leave me alone. He comforted me, and told me to block him on every social media platform, including his phone number. Without hesitation I did so. That was the last straw for me, my dad explained to me that how J had been treating me with the hot and cold actions is not how someone that truly loves you is supposed to treat you.
Later that evening I finally stopped crying and decided to make dinner for my family. (I don’t know how to cook, but this was something to keep my mind off of J). I decided to make a rice casserole, and found a recipe to follow. Every cabinet was open in the kitchen, I looked like a mess, but was determined to make a delicious dish! After all was said and done, it was ready to eat! I took one bite..it was very crunchy..I realized that I didn’t cook the rice before mixing it with everything else and put it in the oven. My dinner was a bust, but I had a fun time doing that by myself.
In the midst of all that was happening, my mom got a divorce from her husband Roice one year later after their wedding. She was very unhappy, and just couldn’t do it anymore. I believe money had a lot to do with their separation. My mom kept giving, giving, giving to him and his business. Finally he accomplished his goal and had wiped her clean of all her money. Immediately the divorce papers were filed.
After the divorce, my mom moved into a basement apartment. My brother Ashby was living with her at the time, and was going to high school just down the road. He would ride his bike to school every morning, from her new place. My mom was in a dating phase, which she had every right to be. She would work, go on dates, and then come home. A few other things happened but it’s not my place to speak on them because they didn’t impact me.
I wasn’t close to my mom during this time. I was too focused on working, and school. Plus, I had a shit show going on with trying to deal with J. I was just going to let her do her own thing until I was in the right headspace to rekindle a relationship with her. I would see my mom a few times a month if she came to my school, or if I visited her at her apartment, or if we found time to go to lunch. Other than that, our relationship was broken.
A few days after the incident, I got an email from J. He expressed that he was sorry his temper was lost once again, he promised it would never happen after that point. He said all the right things to try and change my mind about where I stood. I did email him back telling him to never contact me again, I was done, and I should never be treated that way. We all know he didn’t listen to what I had to say whatsoever. For the next week, he would park his car at the end of my gated community street, walk to my house, and email me that he was outside and wanted to talk. I never went out to meet him, and told him to go home. He would stand by my bedroom window, and ask me to open it up so he could come inside and talk without my dad knowing. I ignored him, shut my blinds, and never replied. It took him a few hours of standing outside my house to eventually go home.
My dad, Mat, and myself decided it would be a good idea to file a restraining order against J. We couldn’t have him keep showing up at our condo, my school, and work. He was served with the restraining order, we changed the gate code to our complex, and I was so relieved with the idea that he would never contact me again.
A few months after the order was served, my dad decided to move condos but in the same complex. The only reason being that rent had gone up at our current condo, plus we didn’t really like our landlord that happened to be our next door neighbor. My brother Ashby moved out of my moms house before we moved, so we were living with my dad full time. Parker was living with his girlfriend Lexi and her family just up the road from us.
J was so resilient with trying to talk to me. He would ride his bike down to my house, jump the fence, and show up at my front door. He found out where we had moved to from just looking for my car. I was so upset that even a restraining order couldn’t stop him. I completely cut him off even the emails stopped. I needed to move on and follow the restraining order. I needed to graduate hair school, my life had to start now.
Mine and J’s relationship ended in April of 2016. We were together for 9 months. That was my longest relationship to date. I believe things could've worked out if J wasn’t so controlling, abusive, and aggressive with his anger. I truly thought deep down that he would be my husband. He had many great, caring qualities that I fell in love with and wanted for the rest of my life. But his toxic qualities from being comfortable definitely outweighed the good.
If I could say anything to anyone in a similar relationship that J and I had it would be, to never settle for less than what you deserve. Everything may seem peachy for the first few months or year of your relationship, they may keep saying all the right things to keep you around, and would do anything to not lose you. And no matter what your family or friends say to try and warn you that you are in fact in a toxic relationship, you won’t listen. You will only listen once you see the abuse whether it be physical, mental, or emotional for yourself.
If you know someone that you love right now, that is in a similar situation there’s absolutely nothing you can say or do to them that will change their mind about their relationship. Let them ride it out, until it gets so bad that they realize the severity for themselves. Unfortunately that’s what the idea of “love” does to the victim of an abusive relationship.
I have learned since that relationship that I am better than that. I see the red flags now, and uncovered them back then. This has really impacted my dating life, in terms of how I deal with meeting someone for the first time. I won’t get too invested, too quickly. After J and I’s relationship I did slip back into my cycle of always wanting to make my boyfriend happy, which you will hear more about in chapters to come. But now, present day Lauryn… if I see a red flag, if he doesn’t treat me how I know I deserve to be treated, see ya later! I know I’ll find a man someday who wants to give me the world, and will love me with zero abuse or ultimatums involved.
A few weeks after J and I’s breakup, I found out that his entire family blocked my phone number and social media accounts. He had told them that I was the crazy one, and I ended the relationship. Which hurt his family and made them all turn on me. I was not crazy, I was lost in a cloud of love and abuse and was just trying to find a way out. I did end the relationship for my own safety and sanity.
On June 18, 2016 my dad surprised me with David Archuleta concert tickets once more. This man knew how much I loved David, let me tell you. I was so shocked and excited! We sang and danced our little butts off, I had a blast that evening with my dad.
On August 24th, 2016 my hair school had their annual hair show! The theme was Cirque du Soleil! My group got the show ‘Mystere’ and we were so excited! I asked my dad if he would be a model for the show, of course he said “YES!”. We had many dress rehearsals with all of our models, and mapped out how every look was going to be.
The day of the show we were all so nervous, but excited! My dad was ready to hit the stage, looking all glammed up. At this moment I felt my dads support with hair school. He was so willing to step out of his comfort zone, and be there for his daughter. Although I think he was really into watching drag shows, and sort of got the opportunity to live out that dream in a way. The show was a massive success! My dad absolutely slayed the stage! My mom, Ashby, Aunt Sheri, and cousin Shelby all showed up to support me. That was a fun experience that I don’t think many people get to attend in hair school.
In September of 2016, I turned the big 20! My mom threw me a small party at the local bowling alley, I invited just a few of my friends and family. We had so much fun, laughing, bowling, and just enjoying ourselves. My dad baked me some brownies for a birthday cake. He and Mat showed me so much love that day.
When October came around my dad and Mat decided to get family pictures taken up by Brighton Ski Resort. I had never felt more confident in my skin. I loved my hair, I loved my body, and I was just happy!
I graduated hair school in November of 2016. My entire family showed up to support me! My school held a pre-graduation ceremony for those who would complete their hours in the next few months. This was a huge step towards having my cosmetology and barber licenses! My motivation to go to school everyday, was intensified! My friend Rian finished her hours a month before I did, she was always so good about going to school everyday. I would’ve finished my hours the same time she did if I didn’t skip so many days to be with J.
On December 6th 2016, Rian and I drove up to Farmington, Utah to take our practical test. I studied my butt off in hopes to pass this test for the first time with flying colors. A practical test is where we take all of our supplies to a testing center, set it all up how we practiced in school, and go through the motions of every service in front of a testing instructor for the state. I suck at testing, but was confident with this one since I was able to show with my hands what I knew.
The morning of the test Rian and I were so nervous, but hoping for the best. We drove to the testing center with all of our equipment, ready to go! The testing environment was very intimidating and quiet. A few of the other girls from school met us at the center. After the test was completed we had to wait a few minutes for our results. Once we got our results, I was the first one to open mine. I PASSED both my cosmetology and barber portions!!! I wanted to scream to the roof tops, and jump up and down! Unfortunately that feeling lasted a whole 2 seconds.. Rian got her results back and she didn’t pass her test. She started to cry, and was so upset. I didn’t know how to react, I was happy for me but sad for her. The car ride home was very awkward.. as you can imagine. I tried to encourage her to go back and test again. She told me right then and there that she didn’t want to do hair, and wouldn’t go back to retest. That made me sad, because I saw so much potential in her as a hairstylist. But there was nothing I could do or say for her to get her license.
The next day I went back up to the testing center to take my written test. This was the test I was most scared for.. I bombed almost all of my tests that were on a paper or computer in high school. I studied constantly, and knew that nothing could stop me, this was my chance to do what I fell in love with for the rest of my life. The time came to go into the testing room, I was shaking, sweating, but tried my best to focus. I got my results back and I PASSED my written test! The reality set in that I was a licensed cosmetologist and barber, this was the first day of the rest of my life.
The next day was the day that I completed my hours!! My family came to support me, which meant the world. I felt so much love from my instructors and fellow students. For every student that graduated, the rest of the school would write little notes on post it notes, and the student would read them all out loud. I one hundred percent went to the best hair school in all of Utah. I was so supported, and loved.
The next step after school, was to find a job and start doing what I was destined to do. Here I was an adult, with my cosmetology license, single, stronger than ever, and ready to conquer the hair industry!!
Thank you to all of my family and friends for the support and love you gave me during this difficult time in my life. That was a roller coaster of emotions to write. I appreciate anyone who was there for me, let me cry on their shoulder, showed me compassion, or was a listening ear. I don’t regret going what I went through, I learned so much from my abusive relationship which has made me stronger. Cosmetology school molded me into the hairstylist I am today, and I am so grateful for making the leap into the industry. Thank you.