Happiness and Confusion
After I graduated high school, I had no idea what the world had in store for me. I remember being so scared, not knowing what I was going to do for the rest of my life. But what I did know is no matter what it was going to take, I’d find my passion and fall in love with it.
My dad and Mat took me to New York City first thing after graduation. I was so excited, since I had only been to New York a few times before, once with my dad and once with my family. This trip was going to be different for me, I would be going with my dad and his boyfriend. I knew we were going to go to broadway shows, explore the city, and just enjoy every moment, and that made my heart warm.
When we landed in New York, we had to take the subway all the way to the city from the airport. I’ve always loved the subway, the loud screeching of the tracks, the muggy dirty smell, the wind in my hair as the train rushes by, the strange people, and being squished against the walls. I know that’s probably weird, and most people don’t love the subway.. but something about it…just gets me every time.
When we got off the subway everyone was dressed in black, rushing to wherever their final destination was. We were hauling suitcases, and trying to walk fast with the crowd. When you’re in New York you have to move at the pace of everyone else, or you get yelled and/or honked at. Once we got to the top of the stairs, there we were in Times Square. I was HOME. Breathing in the polluted air, filled with hot dogs, pretzels, exhaust, and cigarette smoke.
I can’t describe my obsession with New York, the only thing I can think of that makes sense is it’s the complete opposite than where I grew up. Being around the crowds, honking, chatter, lights, dirty streets, I just have always loved it. My dad and Mat got a hotel in the smack dab middle of Times Square.. talk about the absolute best place to stay! We dropped our luggage off at the hotel, and then we headed down into the city.
The first thing we did was go get some world famous New York pizza. I’ve tasted many different kinds of pizza, but there’s nothing quite like the pizza made in the big apple. We walked around Times Square, which is a magical place in itself. The lights, the cabs, the people.. incredible.
Our next stop was Central Park. Walking along the path, wind blowing in my hair, runners and bicyclists zooming by, laughter of children in the distance…indescribable feeling. We took a breather on a few park benches, and some green grass. I remember sitting on the grass taking the moment in. I needed this escape, I needed this breath of fresh air after what I had been through the past few years.
Next, we walked to Washington Square. I had always seen this place in movies, specifically ‘August Rush’, and was so stoked to actually be there in person. The waterfall, people, street performers, the massive arch, everything was perfect.
We decided to take a few pictures and then had lunch at a cute little hole in the wall cafe. As we were sitting down waiting for our food, our phones started going off. (Hold up… what I am about to say was probably the most happy news and feeling I had heard and felt in a very long time.) The news updates on our phones announced that the supreme court made a ruling that the constitution guarantees a right to gay marriage!! You should have seen the smiles on all of our faces, especially my dad and Mats. What a victory that day was for the LGBTQ community and gay rights. June 26th 2015, victory!
We took a boat ride out to The Statue of Liberty, and Ellis Island. I had always wanted to see the statue, and learn more about the history. We weren’t able to climb to the top, so we just walked around and took it all in. I remember it was very windy and cold that day, so we didn’t stay long.
When we arrived at Ellis Island, I remember getting chills. This place holds so much history, of so many people who traveled here to the United States of America. We decided to go watch a movie about what Ellis Island was, my dad and I fell asleep right when the presentation started. We were just so tired from walking all day, and finally had the chance to sit down. Mathew got a little upset at us, he woke us up and told us this was not why we were here and then we left…haha! But hey, at least we got a small nap in!
Two of our family friends Tammy and Mike happened to be in New York the same time we were! We decided to meet up with them, and go to The World Trade Center. Our family had known Tammy, Mike and their son Ty for 20+ years. My dad worked with Tammy in the arena business for many years, our families grew very close. They accepted Mathew with open arms, which was very cool to see!
When I entered the World Trade Center grounds, I instantly got chills up and down my spine. The realization that this was the place that was attacked by terrorists, and hundreds of people lost their lives… was unimaginable but real life. If you haven’t visited the World Trade Center, I highly recommend you do. The entire tour, hearing the 911 phone calls, seeing the buildings collapse, the fear in the voices, people jumping from windows, the fire trucks that were completely destroyed, the brave firefighters and paramedics that lost their lives… all of it… unreal. This was an experience I will never forget. May we never forget.
My dad and I decided to wake up early one morning and walk down to ‘The Today Show’. Imagine Dragons were performing that morning, which we were pretty stoked about. We showed up early, before anyone else did so we got a pretty sweet spot to stand behind the stage. We couldn’t see them, but could definitely hear their voices. I had never seen the set of The Today Show before, so that was cool to actually be there. I think I saw Al Roker which was sick! The Imagine Dragons set was really good, and I enjoyed that moment with my dad.
On the walk back we walked past Radio City Music Hall. The Rockettes came to Salt Lake the year prior, my dad was in charge of taking them around the city for photoshoots and interviews. I met them while they were in town, and got to see their touring show as well. I have made it a goal to see them at Radio City Music Hall one day. That will one hundred percent happen, but for now walking by the beautiful building will have to do.
The three of us took the city by storm, we walked EVERYWHERE. If you are looking for some good cardio.. NYC is the place. I always love walking through the streets that not many tourists do. Seeing all the sky high apartment buildings made me want to move to the city so bad. But I knew I probably wouldn’t last long, definitely a place to visit here and there.
All in all this trip was well needed. It was the break, the breath of fresh air, and confidence boost I think we all were craving. The three of us saw multiple broadway shows, such as Aladdin, Jersey Boys, Les Mis, and Come from away. Live theatre is probably my most favorite events to attend besides an NBA game. There’s something about the raw, real talent displayed during a performance. I want to thank my dad for introducing me to musical theatre at such a young age, and for continuing to take me to see shows.
I want to thank my dad and Mathew for that trip, now that I look back at it.. I couldn’t be more grateful to them for constantly showing me unconditional love throughout that time in my life. I don’t think Mathew knows how much he has changed my life for the better, and it all started on that trip to New York City. Thank you, Mat.
This is what happiness felt like once again. I got a taste of what my new normal would be like. It took me some time to get used to Mat being around constantly, but honestly overall we were much happier than we had been in the past couple years.
One more thing, I’m getting very emotional looking at the picture below. Dad. Wow, you are my best friend, rock, role model, and hero. Walking down the streets of New York with you is always the absolute best feeling in the world. I love you. You’ve been the best example of love, acceptance, honesty, and trust. Thank you for being there for me my entire life, you have no idea how much your support with every endeavor or decision I make has meant to me. This trip and many more to come will forever mean the world to me. I’ll always be your baby girl.
When I got home from New York, I decided it was time for a major change. I called my hairstylist at the time and asked her if I could make an appointment to color my hair. Of course she said “yes!”. I walked into the hair salon, sat down in the chair, and told her I desperately needed a change. She suggested a few things, like chopping my hair, barely cut off anything, going brunette, going blonde, etc. I finally made my decision and told her I wanted to chop it all off, and go brunette. She swung my hair behind the chair, and without me even knowing, my hair was chopped off to my shoulders. I was in complete shock, but immediately felt a sense of relief. The next step was to go brunette from bright red.
After my hair was all said and done, I felt like a new person. I literally cut off everything that was holding me back. I just graduated high school, went through a lot of emotional trauma, and needed a fresh start!
I asked my friend if she would be willing to go downtown and do a small photoshoot for me. New me, new pictures.. am I right? I’ve always loved the camera, there’s something about being authentic and the moment being captured. I felt beautiful, free, and full of love.
At this time I was with my dad one hundred percent of the time. I did see my mom here and there but honestly had to limit how much time was spent for my mental health. I knew that someday down the road our relationship would mend, but for now this was the best decision for me.
I was still pretty active in the church at this time, and would participate in meetings and activities. I’d go with my mom or my grandparents when I actually felt like going to church.
On June 29th 2015 the LDS church released a letter titled “Response to the Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage in the United States”. I remember the day this letter came out, how devastated my dad was. I took it upon myself to read the letter to see what the church had to say. I will link the letter below. Basically what it states is that marriage is only acceptable between a man and woman. No matter what the courts, laws, or trends say nothing is above God’s word or plan. Children of same-sex couples may not be baptized until they are 18 and old enough to make that decision outside of their household. If you are apart of the LGBTQ community you’re allowed to enter the church building and meetings but have to abide by the conduct of the church. Also, the word ‘apostate’ was used. If you’d like to read the letter here it is.
After I read this letter my heart was shattered. The church I grew up in, that taught me good from bad, and supported me and my family no matter what… now did not support my dad, my best friend and his happiness. My world was rocked, what was I supposed to do now?
My brother Ashby and I went to our old ward that we grew up in, right after the letter was released. We were both curious how our ward and friends were responding to the letter. We sat in the back hoping no one would see us. When the meeting started our bishop stood at the pulpit and started to read the response letter. As soon as he started to read it, I looked around and realized that this was not where I was supposed to be. I shouldn’t be sitting here surrounded by people who actually support and believe this letter. They worship the men who wrote the entire letter, and will do/say anything they do/say. My brother and I looked at each other, shook our heads and walked out of the meeting, as our bishop added his remarks after he read the letter. As we were walking out all eyes were on us, I remember looking at some ward members and friends in the eye and shaking my head at them. I never wanted to step foot into a church building again after that experience.
We got in my car, I had tears in my eyes. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I made a decision right then and there that I would not support a church that put that kind of hate on the LGBTQ community or any community at that. I know some of you that are reading this right now, full heartedly believe that whatever the prophet and his apostles teach is true. But you have to step back and realize that times are changing, the world and people are constantly changing. I don’t care if God is telling these elderly men what to say or do with the changing times. All I know is that I will not support anything they say that affects my loved ones. That is not okay with me. I was taught at a young age to “love one another as Jesus loves you”. If Jesus loves all of his children unconditionally and we are taught to do the same… how does this make sense?
Once we got home, I hugged my dad so tight. I was absolutely distraught. I let him know that I love him with my entire heart, and who he is now is enough.
A few years later in 2019 the church came out with another letter completely changing their minds about their “response letter” in 2015. THIS is my problem with the church as a whole. If the Prophet is really speaking to God, and swears by the Book of Mormon and Bible… why are the rules/teachings of the church constantly changing? Hypocrisy. That’s all I have to say. Here is the link to the new policy changes for the LGBTQ community.
Let’s go back to 2015. My mom would constantly invite me to go to church with her, I looked at it as an opportunity to see her and some other family members. I think at this time I was really struggling internally with how I felt about the church and my family. I felt like I had to go to church, that’s what I was taught to do every Sunday. But, the church was still so confusing to me with how they were handling such a big change in my family’s life.
One day I was sitting in church and this very handsome guy was giving his homecoming talk. He had just returned from his mission, and I for sure had heart eyes for him. I gave it a few days, and then my mom introduced us. He lived two streets down from her house at the time. Once I met him and started to talk to him… everything changed.
All in all, at this time in my life I was 18 and confused. I felt like my heart was being pulled into multiple directions. Almost all of my friends at the time were members of the LDS church, and in order to see most of them I had to go to church on Sundays. I knew that I loved my dad with all of my heart, and his decision to come out as gay was inspirational. That took a lot of guts, and now our church that we have been apart of our whole lives was publicly unsupportive, but supportive at the same time. Confusion, that’s all I was feeling.
