Earthquake

I moved out of our family house with my dad in April of 2014 into an apartment less than a mile away. This move was sudden, my dad had to get out of the toxic environment. When I heard he was leaving, I took the opportunity and ran with it. I packed up my entire room as fast as I could, I don’t even think my mom knew fully of what was going on, except that my dad was done. It all happened so fast, it’s so blurry in my memory. It was just my dad and I who moved out initially, and then my brother Ashby moved in shortly after temporarily.

My parents were just separated at the time, but I believe the divorce papers were being filed. I was filled with relief once my dad and I got settled in our new place. Living in an environment that had no yelling, no tension, no eggshells to walk on, and so much natural light was an unbelievable feeling. My dad was always such a positive light in my eyes and others. He always knew how to bring the mood up, make you laugh, and feel comfortable.

Our family went to church together one last time after we had moved out. I remember sitting in sacrament meeting with my mom and Ashby on one side of me and my dad Parker on the other. Everyone in the ward was staring, whispering, and pointing at us.. it was almost like we were an exhibit at the zoo. Divorce is looked down upon in the LDS church, so now everyone knew that my parents were separated and soon getting a divorce.. you can only imagine the thoughts going through everyones minds. We were always taught not to judge others in the church, but here we were being judged as a family.

During sacrament meeting my mom showed me her new dating app she was on. She was showing me all the men that she had been talking to, including Roice who was her soon to be husband after my dad. I remember feeling so uncomfortable considering that my parents weren’t even officially divorced yet, and here my mom was in church looking at new potential men she could date.. and eventually marry. I am sure my dad was seeing other people at this time as well, I can’t officially confirm that. Overall, the whole situation was weird and new to me.

I could tell my dad was completely checked out sitting in church, listening to whoever was speaking. He had told our bishop a few weeks prior that he couldn’t keep his calling as the primary chorister any longer. His reason was because he was teaching the kids a song that talked about how a family is supposed to look, a father, a mother, and children of God. He was really struggling teaching that to the kids because in his heart at that time didn’t he believe that a family was only supposed to have a mom and dad. A family could have a mom and mom or a dad and dad or even just one mom or one dad. He just couldn’t teach against what he believed in his heart.

My life in the apartment, while going to school my senior year, and working got pretty lonely at times. I did have friends that I spent my time with, but most of the time I sat in my room and reflected on my current situation. I didn’t have much communication with my mom, and my dad was always in and out of the house whether it was for work or play. I started streaming on a platform called YouNow to fill my free time. I met a few friends from there, and just enjoyed talking and vibing with them. I would turn on music when my dad was gone, set my phone down to record, and dance or sing my little heart out. That was probably the one thing I always liked to do that brought me joy, even as a little girl.

My dad took my brothers and I to California on a small vacation in the summer of 2014. It was strange going on a vacation without my mom, but at the same time it was super nice to spend time with my brothers and dad. We went to Disneyland and the beach. I can’t even tell you how much fun we all had, enjoying every moment, being kids, laughing, smiling, and just loving life.

My mom met Roice somewhere at the end of 2014. I didn’t meet him for a while after they had met, nor did I know much about him. But from what I could see from social media they were happy.

I was invited by my dad to go to “The Forgotten Carols” downtown at the beginning of December of 2014. I decided to invite my friend Jason, since my dad told me he was meeting his friend there as well. This was the first time I met Mathew, who introduced himself as my dads friend. My first impression of him was very nice, but shy. We all took a picture at the end of the show with someone my dad knew who was the star of the production. Overall it was a great night, and we all had a blast!

My dad brought his friend Mat over to our apartment at the end of December 2014, which I thought was very weird because my dad never brought friends over. We sat down in the living room and turned on the David Archuleta and Tabernacle Choir Christmas Special DVD. That was my most favorite DVD I owned, and loved watching it! I had the biggest crush on David Archuleta, and made it a point to go to all of his concerts in Utah. After we watched a few songs, he went home and my dad and I went to bed.

The second time Mat came over he made dinner for my dad, Ashby, and myself. I think Parker was off with his girlfriend and couldn’t make it. Anyways, I remember Mat being the best cook from the get go, he was so knowledgeable, kind, and always made sure we had everything we needed.

In December of 2014, our family spent Christmas apart. My brothers and I went over to my grandparents house with my mom on Christmas Eve, we opened gifts and enjoyed our time. We left with our dad right after to head down to Cedar City to spend Christmas Day with our other grandparents. It was really strange, being separated from dad and then mom. In the end we made it work, but realized that our parents were no longer together.

My dad, Ashby, Parker and I always had the best time together. We would go on adventures, cook together go to the gym, watch tv, and just hangout. I remember not really seeing my brother Parker a whole lot, but when I did it was as if no time had passed. He was in the teenager rebelling stage, where there was a lot of experimenting going on. It made me sad to not see him as much as I used to, but I had other things to focus on like school and work. My job at the time was working at the daycare with my friends Jessica and May. It was right down the street from my apartment, which was so nice.

In January of 2015 my parents divorce was final, that was a sad realization but also a breath of fresh air. I knew there would probably be repercussions and awkward energy following, but the thought that there would be no more yelling, arguing, or name calling in the same house ever again gave me peace of mind. My mom was still living in our family house with occasional visits from my brothers, I can’t remember if either of them stayed with her a whole lot simply because I literally removed myself from everything that had to do with my mom. I never went over there, I wanted nothing to do with the toxic energy.

Some of you may be wondering what was so toxic about my mom, at that time in my life. I was scarred, I was traumatized, my emotions were raised ten times after going through and seeing what I did concerning my mom. I saw her pull her hair out, I saw her scream and yell, I saw her lose her temper multiple times. When my mom would get very upset she would have this scowl on her face that was very scary, throw things, and maybe even get physical with whomever she was upset with.

I knew my mom deep deep down did not want any of the emotions she was feeling and showing to come out the way they did. I believe she was going through a really hard time in her life, by losing her husband, kids, and house. She just couldn’t handle all of that on top of her emotions. She’s not a bad person, never was. I get it, I haven’t been there to that extent.. but I can only imagine how I would feel if all that happened to me, adding on severe depression.

A few weeks after the divorce was final my dad asked me on a random pedicure date. I was really excited because it was once in a blue moon we got pedicures together. My mom and I usually got our nails done, so this was new. I can’t stress to you enough how funny my dad is. When we sat down in the pedicure chairs, and the ladies started on our feet, we instantly started laughing together. My dad was trying to talk to the ladies, about their lives, their job, and whatever else came to his head to ask about. It’s safe to say, we had the best time getting our toenails polished!

After our pedicures were finished we went to Thai Basil for dinner. As we were sitting at the table waiting to order, my dad pointed out a male waiter and said “he’s cute!” I thought that was a little strange… but agreed with him. At this moment I realized we had the same taste when it came to men. We had many laughs, lighthearted conversations, and tons of fun! Daddy daughter dates will forever be one of my favorite events.

When we got home with pretty feet, and full stomachs, I went into my bedroom and started to wind down. Next thing I knew my dad called my name, and asked me to go out to the living room. He was sitting on the loveseat couch, so I sat on the normal one and was facing him. When I first saw him he looked like he was going to throw up, pale face and all. He was struggling with keeping eye contact with me, which was not normal. I honestly can’t remember how the conversation started, but the one thing I can remember was him saying “I love you, and I am very scared of what your reaction will be to what I need to tell you.” At this point I knew that whatever he was about to tell me, I would be accepting and full of love. He then started to cry and tremble, as I reassured him everything was going to be okay. Whatever he was about to say was really heavy and hard for him to even speak about.

He started talking and told me he had ‘same sex attraction’, when he used that term I was shocked. The realization hit me…my dad was attracted to men and women. He was scared to say “gay” or “bisexual” which was understandable since those terms were not accepted by our religion. The first words that came out of my mouth were “dad, I love you. It’s okay.” I didn’t know what else to say in that moment. I had never seen my dad cry as much as he was, I knew that this was so important and scary to him.

He proceeded to tell me that Mathew was his boyfriend, which I could’ve put that together eventually considering all the time they were spending together. He told me his marriage to my mom was not fake or a fraud, and that he really did love her.

He knew since he was a little boy that he was attracted to men as well. He told me a story recently about when his family took pictures down in New Harmony, Utah. He was 8 years old, and decided to wear a pink shirt for family pictures. Once his sister saw him in the shirt, she told him he shouldn’t be wearing pink because that made him look like a ‘faggot’, boys don’t wear pink. After pictures my dad looked up that word in the dictionary, at that point he knew what he liked. At the end of the day he would be happier and live his most authentic life being with a man.

Our religion being LDS prevented him from exploring that part of his sexuality for 40+ years, finally he was in the position to start living and exploring how he wanted to. After letting this new information process and set in, I hugged my dad, and told him I loved and accepted him with my entire heart. I put myself in his shoes for a split second and thought if I was in a position where I had something major to get off my chest, I would want my dads full support no matter what. He’s my best friend, and nothing can break that strong bond.

He told me I was the first person in our family to know this secret he’s been keeping for years. It really meant a lot that he trusted me that much to come out to me before anyone else. That simple fact made me feel very important, trustworthy, and loved. My dad expressed he was very scared to tell my brothers, mom, friends, and the rest of his family. I reassured him that it was all going to be okay, it may take everyone time to get used to the idea and reality of things now, but it would all be okay in the end. The main focus now was that my dad could authentically be himself and be truly happy with nothing to hide.

My dad proposed to my mom as soon as he got home from his LDS mission. They met in college at SUU in Cedar City, Utah. Our religion teaches young men and women that they should get married, and have children as soon as possible so the earth can be replenished. My dad took that direction, fell in love with my mom, and proposed. My mom was 19 and my dad just turned 22. That’s normal where I grew up, almost everyone I know got married at a very young age including my parents. They were both so in love, if you saw pictures and videos of them in the 90’s you’d see that love was definitely there. They got married in November of 1992 in the Manti, Utah temple surrounded by friends and family. In my eyes, their marriage was so real and happy.

Shortly after my dad came out, Mat moved in with us. Seeing my dad with a man took me months to get used to. I didn’t get along with Mat at first, he was sassy, moody, and felt like we just added another female to the household.. haha! I remember after my dad told my brothers, it took them awhile to get used to our new reality too. But the main thing I do remember was seeing this beaming smile on my dads face everyday, and that made the adjustment so worth it.

Shortly after my dad had told my brothers and I his life long secret, I believe he went over to our family house and was splitting items with my mom in preparation for the divorce. I wasn’t there, so this may not be accurate, but from what my dad told me, he and my mom were sitting in our basement. They were in conversation, and my mom blurted out that she knew my dad was gay. My dad confirmed her statement, and then I think my mom used some choice words. She was obviously upset and hurt, and would probably blame the divorce on my dad and his sexuality.

I don’t blame the divorce of my parents on just one person. I believe the divorce happened because both parties contributed equally. I saw both sides, I witnessed what was going on as much as I was shown, therefore it was equal playing ground. I know for certain my brothers and I are not to blame. I feel like children who go through their parents separating feel like they did something wrong. We did nothing wrong, we were innocent, and were really good kids.

On the other hand, I realize now as I am looking back and remembering all of this. I did neglect my mom during this time. I won’t sit here and excuse her actions that hurt me, my dad and brothers. But what I will say is that if I put myself in her shoes when my dad came out to her, I would be absolutely devastated. My mom had 3 beautiful children with my dad, built two stunning houses, had endless memories, built an entire life together, and here she was dealing with mental issues, going through a divorce, and then finding out her ex husband of 20+ years is attracted to men. I do feel for her, and although I haven’t been there myself I know that it shattered her world.

My brother Parker met his girlfriend Lexi in February of 2015. He moved in with her family shortly after they met. I knew my brother was into the partying scene, but that’s all I was aware of at the time. I wouldn’t see him unless he came over for dinner to my dads, or we had a family gathering. I was obviously protective of my little brother and wanted the best for him, so I wasn’t too friendly to Lexi at the beginning. I can imagine it’s very intimidating dating anyone who has an older sibling, especially an older sister. I didn’t want to be mean and standoffish towards Lexi, that’s just all I kinda knew how to do. Parker would show up to family gatherings and dinner without Lexi sometimes, he did see the value of family and I will forever be grateful for that. Lexi started to come around more once she was comfortable with everything, and I did try to start to get to know her.

My mom got married to Roice in April of 2015. They didn’t get married in the temple because my parents were still sealed I believe. So they had a regular walking down the aisle type wedding. I was not happy that she was getting married this quick after my parents divorce and I had a funny feeling about her soon to be husband. But, I put my feelings aside the best I could and supported them both. I helped my mom pick out her dress, get the venue situated, did her hair, and went through with it.

As I walked down the aisle towards Roice, and my brothers I had my resting bitch face on hardcore. I had to keep myself from crying a few times, out of sadness, and being scared. This was a new, and weird feeling I never felt before. I was happy that my mom was happy, but upset because it was too fast, and I barely knew the guy. Roice had two young kids, boy and girl that attended the wedding and another son who wasn’t there. I’d never had step siblings before, but here I was gaining 3 new siblings.

Everyone that attended the wedding came up to me after the ceremony and asked if I was okay. I was honest and told them I wasn’t okay with the whole thing, but I was supporting my mom and her happiness. We danced the night away, ate some cake, and made that night as magical as we could.

Our family house sold sometime mid 2015, I can’t remember exactly when. Shortly after my mom got married, they found a house to rent in Daybreak which was a short 10 minute drive from our family house. I decided to go to church with her and Roice a few times in their new ward. At this time I was still very involved in our religion. I met this boy who was in her ward, and lived two streets down that had just came home from his LDS mission. He was very cute, and I wanted to get to know him better…that will be in another chapter.

I graduated high school on June 4th, 2015. At this time I was living at my dad and Mat’s new townhome in Riverton, Utah. I was so stoked that this day was finally here! My graduation was held at Utah Valley University. My entire family showed up to support me, including my boyfriend at the time Laramy. It was a gratifying feeling that I had made it to this day, after going through everything I was at home.. I made it. Walking down that aisle, hearing my name called, shaking hands, and holding my diploma… what. a. feeling. Here I was… starting my life as an adult, with no idea what direction to go in.

After graduation I went to my dads house, we had an open house for anyone that wanted to stop by for some food and to congratulate me. My heart was so full, I was so proud of myself! My dad and Mat gave me the best graduation present I probably could’ve asked for. They gifted me with a trip to my favorite city in the universe, New York City. To say the least, I was so excited to take on New York with my dad and Mathew!

To end this chapter, I just want to say that there’s so much more to cover, but I just realized this chapter is insanely long. To sum everything I have talked about up.. My parents divorce was extremely hard on me, my picture perfect white picket fence family fell apart right before my eyes. My mom got re-married, very quickly after the divorce which shook my world. My brother Parker got into a very serious relationship, I didn’t see him that often. My brother Ashby and I had never been closer, we spent so much time together. My dad came out as gay, introduced me to his boyfriend Mat, and I had to adjust to that new positive change. My moms mental health was getting better but not even close to healthy, which I had to deal with daily. I love each and every one of my family members, I believe everything happens for a reason, and boy oh boy has my life definitely confirmed that.

Here I was freshly graduated from high school, ready to take on the world.