The start of self discovery

After we got home from my dad and Mat’s wedding, I started to feel kind of lost in life. I was still working at Lifetime Fitness as a hairstylist, helping my dad with his treat business, and just going through the daily motions. I spent a lot of my time at home, work, or hanging out with a few friends. There weren’t really any guys who caught my eye, I would go on dates but they wouldn't go anywhere.

On March 14th, 2018 my friend CJ told me about a meet and greet that would be happening at the car dealership he worked at. Any guesses as to who the meet and greet was for? If you guessed Donovan Mitchell point guard for the Utah Jazz.. you get a gold star! I of course could not pass this opportunity up! My brother Ashby and I woke up early, I put on my Donovan shirt, and we drove maybe 10 minutes to the Larry H. Miller car dealership. It was raining, so luckily we got there early enough to be at the front of the line under a roof. We stood in line for about an hour and a half, with hundreds of other Donovan Mitchell fans.

Once Donovan arrived I was almost shitting my pants! I could see him through the window inside as he took a seat at a table. CJ brought us small post cards with Donovans face on them that we could have signed. As we inched closer and closer to the table my heart was racing! If you don’t know already, I have had the biggest crush on Donovan Mitchell since he started playing for the Utah Jazz as a rookie in 2017. Fun fact: I am one day older than him to the day and year.

We finally made it to the table! My brother Ashby went first, I don’t think he said anything to him, got his post card signed, took a picture and then walked away. It was then my turn!! I walked up to the table and handed him my post card, I blacked out.. not even joking. I remember saying “you’re amazing!”. I put my hand on his shoulder after he had signed my post card, and we took a picture. I walked away with sweaty palms, shaking uncontrollably, and a big smile on my face! We stood there for a little bit with CJ, and watched other people meet Donovan. I thanked CJ for letting us know about the meet and greet, then we left. Hands down one of the best days of my life!

At this point in life, I had stopped going to church completely. I found happiness outside of church walls and it felt amazing! I realized with the help of my dad that you can have spiritual experiences on the top of a mountain, in your car, in your own home, really anywhere you go. Some may not agree with me, and may argue that you must go to a church building to continue your spiritual growth and strengthen your relationship with God. That’s totally okay if that’s your opinion, and I respect it. In return I asked in that time of my life and even now, that my opinion on how I want/wanted to grow spiritually and my relationship with God be respected too.

On March 17th, 2018 my Aunt Paula and Uncle Rex were in town for the Utah Jazz game! Watching a Jazz game with those two is hands down the best time. I decided to go with them, and brought along my friend Justin. I put on my retro jacket that my dad gave me, and we headed to the game.

It was rare at this point in my life that I was able to go to a Utah Jazz game. Once I stepped inside of the arena I felt instantly at home. It’s an overwhelming, indescribable feeling. Once we got to our seats I was READY! I was ready to scream my ass off, see Donovan Mitchell, reach my goal at every game which is to get on the jumbotron, and enjoy the night. The game was absolutely amazing! The Utah Jazz won, and I indeed made it on the jumbotron.. wasn’t my most flattering shot. But thanks to my aunt and uncle I’ll have this memory forever!

At this point in my life I was feeling very confident about my looks. I would take countless selfies and full body pictures of myself. I was just really proud of myself with how far I had come mentally and physically.

Around this time in early April 2018 my dad and Mat had an idea, and they wanted to run it by all three of us kids. Their idea and next move in life was moving to Phoenix, Arizona. Once the idea was on the table, I went back and forth with if I actually wanted to start over completely in a new state. I weighed out the pros and cons, and came to the conclusion that the pros outweighed the cons by a long shot.

The cons of moving to Arizona were, leaving my family behind besides my dad, Mat, and brothers. Leaving my job at Lifetime Fitness. Leaving my friends (I didn’t have a ton of friends but there were some I’d miss). Leaving the state that literally shaped me into the woman I was.

The pros of moving to Arizona were, having a clean slate and no one knowing who I was. I would be able to reinvent myself but also stay true to who I was. Get a brand new job at a nice salon. Be in a warmer climate, where there would be absolutely no snow. Eventually move out and create my dream friend group I had always wanted. I would be able to travel back to Utah to visit family. My family and friends could always go down to Arizona to visit me. I would have so many adventures, and explore a place I’d never been to before. My dad and Mat could truly live their authentic lives without being judged if they kissed or held hands in public. I wouldn’t be judged if I wore a piece of clothing that showed a lot of skin. I wouldn’t be judged by my tattoos that were very visible. I wouldn’t be in a bubble, closed minded culture and could explore many different cultures. I could truly find myself, and discover what truly makes me happy in life.

I told my dad and Mat that I was completely on board a few weeks after thinking about it. I knew that this would be a great opportunity for me, and I would make the best of it. The change scared the shit out of me. I was so comfortable living my day to day life that I had been living for the past 20 years, but I had made it a goal to be uncomfortable once I decided to make the plunge.

Mat had been traveling to Phoenix for work, and was looking at different houses every time. He would FaceTime my dad and give him a virtual tour of everything he was looking at. They found a house in Ahwatukee, Arizona which was just south of Phoenix that they really liked. They put in an offer but got outbid very quickly. So the search continued for months.

Since I knew I’d be moving soon, my dad and I decided to go downtown for the day! We went to deliver some treats to a local cafe that he had been catering to for a little bit now, and I had been their social media manager. My job was to post on their instagram and facebook each day. I’d post a picture of one of their pastries, dishes, or a food special they had going on. I would get paid every two weeks for my “hard work”. This was by far the easiest job I’d ever had.. haha! My dads friends Ken and Gary were the owners, they were so kind and really supported my dads bakery.

Once we dropped the treats off, we drove around downtown Salt Lake City. We ended up at the state capitol building, and walked around. Utah had been our home our entire lives, and knowing that we would be leaving it behind felt super bitter sweet to us both. But we were ready for a change and new start.

That same day my dad and I decided to go see “Love, Simon” at the movie theater. I am not one to go to the movies, but this was a movie I had to see. It’s about a young boy who keeps a secret from his friends and family. His secret is that he’s gay. Once the secret comes out he has to face everyone with the repercussions of his secret being revealed. If you haven’t seen it, i highly suggest it. It made my dad and I both cry our eyes out. Safe to say, it was the perfect ending to a perfect day with my dad.

April 6th is my brother Ashby’s birthday. He was turning 18.. and I knew we had to celebrate! My dad and Mat were out of town somewhere, so me being me I took his party into my own hands. We invited all of his friends over to our house (Ashby has always had TONS of friends, he is the most friendly human being you’ll ever meet). I think about 10 or 15 people showed up with gifts in hand. I went to get a cake with his name and “happy 18th birthday Ashby” written on it. We played games, ate some food, sung happy birthday, opened gifts, and enjoyed the party. It was a successful night I’d say! I’d go to the end of the earth for both of my brothers, any time any day.

As the month of April went on I decided to spend more time with my friends and family. I would drive up to different views in the valley to watch sunsets, drive up the canyons and admire Utah’s beauty, hangout with my friends doing random things, go to my moms house to just hang with her and Harry, and just take in everything that I would miss when I moved to Arizona.

At the beginning of May my dad had a routine procedure done at IMC in the Salt Lake Valley. He asked me to go with him so I could drive him home and be a support system. The procedure didn’t take longer than an hour. I went into the recovery room where he was just waking up. There’s something about seeing my dad in a hospital bed, drowsy and all that just makes me sad. But knowing that I was there to help him, and take care of him made me feel better. I drove him home, and he recovered just fine.

Okay, I am not proud of this whatsoever… but before I moved I wanted to go to as many Utah Jazz games as possible. I was not making enough money to buy my own ticket.. so what did I do? I would find guys who would take me of course! I don’t have any pictures with them.. because I was using them.. haha! Not my proudest moment or confession. But hey, this autobiography is all about me being honest right? PLUS, i got my first Donovan jersey on one of the dates! I went to just a few more games before the move, and then learned my lesson to never do that again because I wasn’t interested in any of the guys whatsoever.. but they sure were interested in me! I had to get myself out of those situations, and decided NOPE never again.

On May 5th, 2018 my cousin from Cedar City had a dance recital at Lagoon Amusement Park! I took my brother Ashby with me, and we met up with our cousin Kelsie, and my Uncle Shon’s family! It was such a fun day filled with countless rides, and of course watching my cute cousin dance her tail off! Family time is the best time in my opinion.

On May 6th, 2018 I decided to get my first ever tattoo! I was talking to a guy at the time, and he was a tattoo artist. One night he drew a huge flower on my shoulder and I really loved the look of it. So, I made an appointment with him to get a small tattoo. Growing up Mormon/LDS I was taught that my body is a temple, and you should never put any markings on it. Since I had stopped going to church, and wanted to really discover who I was as a person and artist I went for it! I knew that my family wouldn’t be happy, but at the end of the day I would be and that’s all that mattered. I told my dad I was getting a tattoo and he was okay with it, because he realized I was my own person and I could make my own decisions. It’s my body, it’s my choice.

I went into the tattoo shop and took my brother Ashby with me. We spent so much time together, and I cherished every moment. I was so thankful that he wanted to come with me and hold my hand. I had been looking up ideas for a month or so and decided on the word “strength”. Why? Because that word has been a constant in my life. I had been through so much, and I had to have strength at my darkest times to get through it. The placement was the next step.. the bottom of my arm facing outwards was where it was going to go. I chose that spot so that every time I looked in the mirror while doing my hair or makeup I would be reminded to have strength for the day to come.

HOLY SHIT did getting a tattoo hurt. I didn’t know what to expect.. I wish I had. It felt like someone poking me with the sharpest needle possible for an hour straight. I tried to distract myself with conversation or just closing my eyes. I held Ashby’s hand for most of it, but then as the end got near.. the pain started to subside. After it was all said and done, I LOVED it! First of all, I couldn’t believe that I just got a freakin tattoo!!! Never would I ever have imagined myself with one. It was beautiful and meant so much to me, I had a constant reminder permanently on my body.

I went home to show my dad and he loved it! If you ever get a tattoo ALWAYS get it because there’s a meaning behind it, not because you’re drunk and just want a random tattoo. It’s on your body forever, and is a bitch to get removed.

That evening I had a family BBQ at my moms house. It was sooo hot outside, but I didn’t want my entire family seeing my tattoo. Especially because I got it on a Sunday. So, I put my long sleeve Donovan Mitchell shirt on and went to the BBQ. My family kept asking me if I was hot, and I kept saying no. Truth is, I was burning up!

A few days after the BBQ my mom asked my brothers and I to come over for something. She gifted my brothers with necklaces that said “To my son… always remember you are braver than you believe stronger than you seem smarter than you think and loved more than you know.” Holy crap if that wasn’t the most perfect thing for her to give them that day I don’t know what would have been. After they opened them, and I saw them I had to show my mom my tattoo. The necklaces alined with my strength tattoo perfectly. When she saw it, I’m not sure what went through her head. But I explained my reasoning behind it, and she understood. I think she told me she liked it. And then realized why I was wearing a long sleeve shirt in the middle of summer.. haha!

My mom told me I should show everyone including my grandparents when I was ready. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of the decision I made to get a tattoo, I was just so sick and tired of being judged for not attending church.. or wearing immodest clothing.. or whatever else I was doing that didn’t align with my family’s beliefs. I knew I would be judged or be told straight up that I ruined my temple. I just wasn’t ready for that or ready to hear that especially from my grandparents. I think I ended up showing them a few days later. Their reaction was just as I expected, and I kept reminding them the reason behind it. I knew eventually it wouldn’t be a big deal so I let it go.

May 15th, 2018 was my last Mother’s Day living in the same state as my mom. I went over to my grandma’s house once everyone got home from church. My Aunt Julie and cousin Amber were over visiting. Of course we all had to take a picture! It was a very enjoyable Mother’s Day, and I took full advantage of the time I spent with my grandma and mom. I was going to miss this..

This chapter is very long.. so I’m going to cut it off here. Stay tuned for some more happy memories, and the move to good ole Arizona!