Love & War

November of 2017, my mom got all of us kids together for family pictures. We hadn’t done family pictures with my mom since the divorce. All of us showed up to a random field in Herriman, Utah and started having our picture taken. This was weird but turned out to be fun, my mom and I didn’t have the strongest relationship at the time which is why it was a little weird for me. But, it was so nice being with my brothers, my mom, and Lexi. The pictures turned out to be beautiful, and captured our unconditional family love.

I was still working at Lifetime Fitness at the time, and felt like I was killing it with every client I had. I took tons of before and after pictures that I would post on my hair Instagram page for everyone to see. I did this in hopes it would attract new clients. I was confident, and knew I had a talent for doing hair.

Thanksgiving 2017, my dad, Mat, Parker, Lexi, Ashby, and myself all drove down to Cedar City. We had our traditional Thanksgiving dinner, and family pictures. My dad and Mat decided to get their engagement photos done at the same time. The Spevak clan is always the best time! This was the year that Lexi and I had our first picture taken together. I was still trying to get a feel for who she was and what her intentions were with my brother Parker. We had a great time in Cedar as a family, it was cool to see that my dads parents were slowly becoming more comfortable with Mat being apart of our family.

December meant choir concert season! My dad and brother Ashby had joined an all ages choir for the Christmas season. They had been practicing for months before December hit. I volunteered to be ‘head of the house’ for their concert run. My job was to make sure tickets were being sold, tickets were checked, everyone was seated at the correct time, and guests were taken care of. The concert was held at my old high school which was pretty neat! There’s no better way than music to get you in that holiday spirit!

On December 15th, 2017 my cousin Lindsey got married to the love of her life Rhi. My dad, Mat, and I took a quick roadtrip back down to Cedar City for their reception. It was really cool to see all of their friends and family gathered in one room to celebrate them! I have always looked up to my cousin for always being authentic to who she is. The coolest thing I can think of when it comes to Lindsey and Rhi is that they both had struggled with addiction for a long time. But, they both went through rehab and found each other through healing. Rhi has 2 boys, which meant Lindsey now had 2 teenagers added to her life. They are both so inspiring, and I want to thank them for being who they are no matter what. Crazy lady, I love you!

After attending Lindsey and Rhi’s wedding reception, I got very excited for my dad and Mat’s wedding! My mind had been opened up ever since Mat entered our lives. I realized that love is love no matter who you are. Anyone is allowed to love who they want on their own conditions. Going against the norm of society was intriguing to me. At the end of the day, happiness is all that matters.

After Devin and I broke up, I had a long distance relationship with a guy that I met through J while him and I were dating, named Connery. I remember when I first met him, and his sister Hailee, they were both so kind to me when J was not. Connery and I reconnected, and decided that we were going try to date. His family decided to move to Las Vegas shortly after that decision was made. I was really sad about that, but knew I’d see him whenever I could. He told me he enlisted in the Army, and he would be going across the country to basic training. Me being the hopeless romantic I am, didn’t see a problem with staying in a relationship even though we wouldn’t be able to communicate that often. Connery wrote me letters every week, and I would write him back.

His sister Hailee came back to Utah every now and then, she called me her sister every time we saw one another. Hailee and I became really close, and started to do everything together. She moved back to Utah for a few months, which made me very happy! She kept telling me that once she moved back down to Vegas, I should go down to visit. I told her I’d do that once Connery came home from basic training. A few weeks later, Hailee moved back to Vegas and I started my roadtrip! Driving 5 hours by yourself probably isn’t the best idea, but I did it anyways.

Once I arrived at their house in Vegas, the entire Hardcastle family welcomed me with open arms. I was down there for one week, waiting for Connery to get home! Hailee and her mom Carla took me under their wings, and showed me their favorite spots in Vegas. Hailee and I went to Fremont Street one night. Her current job was a Las Vegas show girl, so she wanted to introduce me to all of her friends. Being a girl from Utah who kind of knew that that lifestyle existed.. shocked me. I met the Chippendale men, show girls, and many other interesting characters. It was safe to say I had the best night with Hailee but was also ready to get out of Vegas ASAP.

Carla, Hailee and Connery’s mom was a realtor. She decided one day to show us the most expensive houses in Vegas. I got this idea in my head that Hailee and I would live in one of these high roller houses one day. Hailee wanted to be a singer, go on tour, and make it big. She kept telling me that one day, we both would be famous. Looking back at it, I was delusional. I wanted a better, more fulfilled life. But, this fantasy and idea was totally unrealistic.

The day had come when Connery’s flight was landing. The entire family was so excited to see him, hug him, and welcome him home! We drove to the airport, and had made a huge sign for Connery. It was a surreal experience watching all of the soldiers walk through the arrivals door. I got really emotional even before I saw Connery. The simple fact that these men and women had chosen to fight for our country, gave me chills. Connery walked through the doors, and we all started to cry. He hugged each one of us in uniform, and was crying himself. He was only at basic training, but so many big things were in store for him. The vibe was completely off once we got back to the house. Connery was a different person, a different man. You could tell that he was hardcore disciplined, with no emotion to show. That is when reality set in, I wasn’t wanted or thanked for even being there. His focus was on his future career in the Army, not on some girl who had been waiting on him for months. I got my hopes up so high, that maybe we had a future together. I was 20 at the time and Connery was 18. My first mistake was going for someone younger than me, who was just figuring life out.

I decided to go home a few days early, the Vegas trip didn’t go as planned. I said my goodbyes, and drove back home to Salt Lake. Once I got home, I tried to communicate with Connery but nothing I said was getting through to him. A week or so after I had gotten home, I saw a picture on his snapchat of him kissing a girl who was best friends with his sister. My heart dropped into my stomach. I asked his mom about the picture, after he didn’t respond to me. She was upset as well, but there was nothing anyone could do about it. That’s the moment I decided to move on. It’s a really shitty feeling putting your all into someone, not being communicated with, and then being let down hard. The Connery chapter was closed.

Christmas of 2017, we opened presents at my dads house and then went to my moms house to do the same. Christmas morning at my dads house was always the most joyful time! It felt like my family was whole again, filled with love and laughter.

My brothers, Lexi, and I drove over to my moms house after we were done at my dads. My mom had recently been seeing her boyfriend Harry, literally for a few months. We didn’t know him that well at all. When we walked in we saw my mom and Harry who had cinnamon rolls, and other breakfast foods waiting for us. After our stomachs were full, and presents were opened my mom told us she and Harry had something to tell us. My brothers and I looked at each other wondering what was so important to tell us Christmas morning. Harry shared with all of us that he and my mom were engaged. Man oh man, did my heart DROP. My mom expressed to me a few week prior that she was in love with Harry, but I didn’t think they were that in love that fast.

It was safe to say that my brothers, Lexi, and I were in complete shock. They told us their wedding would be in the Draper temple come 2018. I think the simple fact that we barely spent anytime with Harry before this major decision was made, rocked me. Granted my mom and I didn’t have the closest relationship at the time.. it still would’ve been nice to get to know him more before he proposed to my mom. They both seemed very happy, but I wasn’t to be frank. This decision and other details I had learned made me pull even further from my mom, which is not what I wanted essentially. I was just hurt, that it felt like my brothers and I weren’t even considered to actually get to know Harry before everything seemed more official.

I went home that evening and told my dad the news. He was shocked as well. It’s not right to compare relationships, but that’s what I was doing. I had known Mat since 2014, and had really spent the most time with him getting to know the person he is. He proposed to my dad 3 years after they started dating. I had known of Harry for like maybe 3 months before he proposed to my mom. I understand that love happens in mysterious ways, but this was just insane to me. All I wanted at the end of the day was for both of my parents to be happy, and if this is how it was meant to be.. it would be.

What this chapter in my life taught me is that life is full of highs and lows. Not everything is going to go your way. There are happy times and sad times. Love is love no matter if you’re in love with a man or a woman. My family means the absolute world to me, and at the end of the day I want what is best for them. My next step in life was to get back on my feet, focus on myself, and see my dad and Mat finally get married!